Hair Raising

One of the most defining things for me so far, has been the realisation that I am going to loose my hair. Seems such an insignificant and superficial problem, compared to what is going on with my body right now.

In modern society, we are so lucky to have made the medical advances we have, and to be in a position where diseases like this can be cured. But instead of being overwhelmingly grateful, our first thoughts turn to  - "What am I going to look like with no hair" or "People are going to stare at me and think I am a freak when I have no eyebrows or eyelashes".

I've have really battled with this since my diagnosis. I'm not particularly vein, but I am very self conscious, after years of put downs by dick head ex boyfriends who haven't got anything better to do than pick on other peoples appearance (mine specifically) to make themselves feel better, rather than face their own shortcomings as human beings (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word).

So having had my chemo confirmed as starting next week, I took the bull by the horns today and said "FUCK YOU CANCER". Instead of waiting unceremoniously for my hair to fall out, I've chopped it off! And do you know what - I feel bloody great for it! There is no getting away from the fact it is still gonna come out in chunks, but the transition is done now, and its going to be a whole lot easier to get my head round (no pun intended) when I do have to shave it off.

 

Time For Change

I'm feeling mighty proud of myself. I am seven days in to a total lockdown on booze, fags and caffeine. Under normal circumstances, I would expect to to be feeling the benefits of a new healthier lifestyle. But these aren't normal circumstances and this is no normal health kick.

The fact of the matter is, that it has taken this - a short sharp dose of reality to make me look at my life and to realise that I just couldn't continue as I was.

To put it in perspective, I turned forty just two months ago. Many women my age, have been married (or had steady relationships), bought houses, had kids, held down jobs and found reasons to quit all the the things that should be experimental in your teens, fun in your twenties and non existent in your thirties.

Not me! Drinking and smoking are amongst the vices that appeared in my life before I had even hit sweet sixteen - and have stayed with me as a constant companion since then. I have worked solidly and worked hard, since I left school at eighteen. I took a leap of faith two and a half years ago to become self employment and have generally lived my life at an accelerated rate for as long as I can remember.

I have done many things that I am not proud of,  but equally I am also proud of what I have achieved. I have demons that I run from on a daily basis, and perhaps this is why I have never taken stock of my life or stood still for even a second, for a fear that they will catch up.

But they have caught up with me and now I am squaring up to them full on.

Taking the positives from this situation is the only thing I can do. I am going to come out of this, with a healthy body, a healthy mind and a totally new outlook on life. One that isn't polluted with chemicals, poisoned with the fears I have from my past and a new inner strength that will help me succeed in being the person I have wanted to be for a very long time. Amen to that :)