The Kindness of Folk

Having a bit of an emotional day today. Might be the drugs. Might be the tiredness. Might be the realisation.

That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is - in my humble opinion a load of old bollox. Diversely the sticks and stones and punches and pain, I can get over. Its made me a strong person. All those idiots that think aggression and physical intimidation is the way to gain love and respect - poor misguided fools. But its the words that hurt me when I was a kid. Its words have hurt me as an adult. You see the thing is they stick. In your head your head for a long time.

But equally the same rule applies when the words are nice. They are healing, soothing and can fill a person full of positivity and enough light to chase away dark clouds and thoughts

And boy of boy, do I have some lovely people around me. Mostly friends old and new - and then there are the hidden ninja's that pop up and take me completely by surprise. So i don't forget any of the niceness in the white noise of social media, I thought I would log all the positivity to refer back to when I have a day like this :)

"Remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and more loved than you will ever know!!" Beck G

"So today has finally arrived. First day of chemo for Hannah Louise Garber. Wishing my beautiful daughter all the love in the world. Onwards and upwards." My beautiful Mummy

"So its been talked about, ignored, analysed , fretted over and pretty much everything else in between but today is the day that it all starts to get fixed. The unknown is always a scary prospect but it is a well-trodden path, they know what they are doing and it will all be good at the end. Looking forward to getting my number 2 back to the point where the first thing you will point out is that I am the number 2!!! Good luck and the very best of wishes for today and the rest of the journey. xx" Chris H

"My big brave H! We're with you all the way Hun xx" Mark B

"I had no idea Han, tonnes of luck lovely lady - be strong and fight only the way you can! PS absolutely loving the new hairstyle, totally rocking the look xxxxx" Jen R

"Hi Hannah .... This really sucks but if youare as strong willed as you were as a kid u will def kick its arse ... Sending you a thousand trillion positive thoughts and love my oldest friend xx" Suzanna P

"You got this! Sending you lots of healing energy and light." Thomas D

"Love you lots thinking of you today x x x x x x" Gracie Lou

"Hannah Louise Garber you know what this means xxx Thinking about you today, loving you always, big hugs baby xxx" Georgia M

"Stay strong gorgeous lady. This too will pass xxxx big hugs and kisses xxx" Michelle M

"Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong. Xxx" Richard W

And Luke Cooper - I may not know you, but your random message tonight made me smile ALOT. Thank you. It's a vipers nest out there and people like you make all the hard work mean something x

Cup Of Tea And A Biscuit Dear?

Well ok .. It wasn't quite like that, but it was totally bloody surreal. I arrived early at The Royal Sussex Cancer Unit in sunny Brighton this morning - off the back of a bad nights sleep and a good long dog walk down the beach to clear my head. Everything felt like it was in slow motion - Like I was wading through a bog. Every step forward felt laboured and sticky, as I wished the "terrors" would quite frankly f*ck right off. 

Sitting in the comfy chairs, listening to the lovely nurse Anna running through what I could expect from chemo, the side affects, the duration, the numbers to call, having the canula inserted, more blood tests, another ECG and then finally the commencement of the meds - it finally ceased being someone else and became me.

My dear friend who has metaphorically and literally held my hand since the beginning of this strange, unexpected journey was there for the duration. It's not been easy accepting help. I've never wanted or asked for help. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm Hannah Garber - truth be known, it's been nice having that support. Knowing someone else other than me, has my back. 

So now I know what to expect, I'm totally ready for the fight. As one of my old friends said to me today in a message ... "Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong"! ... And that's what I plan on doing. I've said it before and I say it again #FuckYouCancer

Hair Raising

One of the most defining things for me so far, has been the realisation that I am going to loose my hair. Seems such an insignificant and superficial problem, compared to what is going on with my body right now.

In modern society, we are so lucky to have made the medical advances we have, and to be in a position where diseases like this can be cured. But instead of being overwhelmingly grateful, our first thoughts turn to  - "What am I going to look like with no hair" or "People are going to stare at me and think I am a freak when I have no eyebrows or eyelashes".

I've have really battled with this since my diagnosis. I'm not particularly vein, but I am very self conscious, after years of put downs by dick head ex boyfriends who haven't got anything better to do than pick on other peoples appearance (mine specifically) to make themselves feel better, rather than face their own shortcomings as human beings (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word).

So having had my chemo confirmed as starting next week, I took the bull by the horns today and said "FUCK YOU CANCER". Instead of waiting unceremoniously for my hair to fall out, I've chopped it off! And do you know what - I feel bloody great for it! There is no getting away from the fact it is still gonna come out in chunks, but the transition is done now, and its going to be a whole lot easier to get my head round (no pun intended) when I do have to shave it off.

 

Time For Change

I'm feeling mighty proud of myself. I am seven days in to a total lockdown on booze, fags and caffeine. Under normal circumstances, I would expect to to be feeling the benefits of a new healthier lifestyle. But these aren't normal circumstances and this is no normal health kick.

The fact of the matter is, that it has taken this - a short sharp dose of reality to make me look at my life and to realise that I just couldn't continue as I was.

To put it in perspective, I turned forty just two months ago. Many women my age, have been married (or had steady relationships), bought houses, had kids, held down jobs and found reasons to quit all the the things that should be experimental in your teens, fun in your twenties and non existent in your thirties.

Not me! Drinking and smoking are amongst the vices that appeared in my life before I had even hit sweet sixteen - and have stayed with me as a constant companion since then. I have worked solidly and worked hard, since I left school at eighteen. I took a leap of faith two and a half years ago to become self employment and have generally lived my life at an accelerated rate for as long as I can remember.

I have done many things that I am not proud of,  but equally I am also proud of what I have achieved. I have demons that I run from on a daily basis, and perhaps this is why I have never taken stock of my life or stood still for even a second, for a fear that they will catch up.

But they have caught up with me and now I am squaring up to them full on.

Taking the positives from this situation is the only thing I can do. I am going to come out of this, with a healthy body, a healthy mind and a totally new outlook on life. One that isn't polluted with chemicals, poisoned with the fears I have from my past and a new inner strength that will help me succeed in being the person I have wanted to be for a very long time. Amen to that :)

The Biggest High - The Biggest Low ...

It never ceases to amaze me the twists and turns that life can throw at you. And no more so than the last seven days.

Having turned forty on May 15th, I finally made the decision to realise a life time dream - to get a dog. I've never wanted children. I have known that all my life. Tried to convince myself that if one came along, the maternal instinct would kick in, but I knew it wouldn't. My love has been and always will be for animals and I had promised myself that when I hit "The Milestone" - my gift to life would be to finally commit to bringing a puppy in to my World. 

They say - it chooses you, you don't choose it and sure enough, I walked in to a barn two weeks ago and my eyes met with a little bundle of fluff, with the most adorable (and naughty) face I've ever seen. She stood aside from the others, was smaller than the others and seemed to take her time in considering walking over to me - unlike the others. And when she did, she calmly laid down on my lap - like she knew that she belonged to me.

And it was as simple as that. I committed to buy her the next day and agreed to pick her up the following weekend - I knew it would be the longest seven days ever! 

And thats when the longest week of my life, turned in to the most terrifying week of my life. While sitting having a civil drink with my best friend, I touched my neck as I do on a frequent basis and recoiled in shock as I felt a lump the size of a golf ball above my collar bone. Double taking - I asked my friend to look - hoping to confirm that I was over reacting, but knew from his face I wasn't. 

Waking up the next day, I knew that I had no option other than to get a professional opinion as over night my neck has swollen to twice the size it was the day before. Blood tests and a chest Xray were the next stop - followed by a wait to see a specialist. And three days later I found myself sat in front of a consultant, as the words "I believe you have Lymphoma and need to confirm the diagnosis so we can begin urgent treatment" came out of his mouth.

You listen to stories and see commercials of how people feel when they are told they have cancer, and it did and still does feel like I am watching someones else's story. The one overwhelming feeling I do have is that my little dog is here for a reason and that reason is to give me hope. 

I am yet to find out the final diagnosis and have no idea what is in store. But I have found over the last couple of years that writing has been a massive therapy for me, when things have gotten tough. So that is what I will do! I will write away the fear, and the uncertainty, and keep a log of my feelings, so when things are better, I can look back and truly appreciate everything that I have and be a stronger, better person for it! 

And as for my new baby - I will introduce her to the World separately! 

Let the battle begin :)