Here We Go Again!!!

Well hello there! Girl Sunshine here! Have you missed me? Go on .... say you have! So here's the thing. I am here for a reason. 

It's been nearly three years to the day that I got diagnosed with cancer and nearly two years to the day that I wrote my last blog. And looking back on my last musings, it makes for an interesting read. Not more so, because its the very thing that made me stop writing - that has made me emerge from my apathy.

I still hate giving cancer the slightest power by using its name. This will be one of the few times i even acknowledge it in this way. I have come a long way in two years. A further four months of chemotherapy, a 10 day spell in hospital with neutropenia... note to self - don't ever ignore the shivers! A bone marrow transplant and a further month in hospital which included isolation, hair loss and an increase in weight of 8kg in seven days - compliments of steroids and infection. And thats the good points haha! 

Eighteen months on and life is different. I am nearly twelve months in remission, married and embarking on a new journey of self discovery, with the assistance of an incredible counsellor! The hard thing was and still is, excepting that life is different. Its not your own any more. It's hard to recognise yourself when you look in the mirror. Its hard to put in to words the range of emotions you can feel on any given day. Its hard to make people understand the journey you have been on and its hard watching people struggle to understand that journey.

I have gained a wealth of knowledge over three years. And now its time to use what I have learnt wisely, as someone I love dearly has received the same news. They are about to embark on there own journey of discovery. And as I mentioned in a previous blog, it gives you a crystal ball. This friend will gain incredible insight. She will learn things she never knew about herself and the people around her. She will find more strength than she new possible and emerge from this experience a victor. 

Norman has picked on the wrong person once again. This person has an army around her. We are all ready to go to battle, standing by her side and we all have our super powers. These include love, humour, passion, humility, kindness and unwavering friendship. 

So my dear friend .... say it loud and say it proud ......

FUCK YOU NORMAN!!!!!!!! 💪

Normans back - this time he means business!

I'm big on anniversaries, which is why I like the "On This Day" app. It’s so easy to forget things we have done and people we have seen, mainly due to busy and frenetic lives. Today marks an anniversary I would rather forget. A year ago today I found lumps in my neck - which ultimately turned out to be cancer. 

It marked the start of a tough 12 months for me and my closest. I underwent three months of chemo and a month of radiotherapy. I lost one my oldest friends to cancer in November, lost my beloved stepdad Roland to cancer only 6 weeks ago and received the news last week that I have relapsed and my cancer is back, less than two months after receiving the all clear. 
This time round, they are getting the big guns out. Intensive chemotherapy for the next three months here in Brighton, followed by a four to five week stay in The Royal Marsden in Sutton. Here I will be put in an isolation room, my stem cells will be harvested, cleaned and frozen, they will administer chemotherapy so strong that it strips me of every last bit of bone marrow in body - together with my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and body hair - if I still have any left after the initial bout of chemo! The room I am in will have filtered air and I will have limited contact with the outside World, as the smallest germ will have the potential of killing me as I wont be able to fight infection. I will have side affects – some they will tell me about, some they wont. They will give me drugs to counter the side affects and then more drugs to counter the side affects of the drugs that they give me for my side affects. 

The next 10 – 12 months are going to push me physically and mentally, with another year after that recovering from the trauma my body has been through. One thing any cancer sufferer will tell you is that you live your life on a knife edge, feeling like your neck is on the block, waiting for the guillotine to drop. Granted – I didn’t expect it to drop again quite as quickly as this. 

Only a handful of people knew what I was going through last year, and I took such a lot of strength and positivity from their support. This time round, its out in the open and I have already been overwhelmed by the messages of encouragement I have received. But more than that, it’s the support and love that has been shown to my family, who will be on the front line – as they were last time. 

Last year I had every intention to blog regularly, for my own sanity. The reality was that very early on in to my treatment I lost my motivation and my ability to string a sentence together, thanks to the dreaded chemo. Since January, which is when my last blog post was it has been sheer fatigue - well that and as it has now transpired cancer.  This time health permitting I will persevere, because its a great outlet. 


Oh and one more thing. I am so sick of “that word” – I’ve re-named it Norman!
So that’s me, laying it bear. Warts and all! But for now, I'm feeling upbeat, the summers here, I’m off on holiday next week with two of my favourite people and the Prosecco is flowing! 

‪#‎StandUpToNorman‬ ‪#‎LifesForLiving‬

Swapping the Big Sea for the "Big C"

One of the hardest things to deal with when you get cancer isn't the disease itself. It's all the bi-products. It's loosing your freedom. Freedom to choose, freedom to be who you are and freedom to do what you want - when you want.

I am the epitome of a free spirit. My life choices have generally come from a sense of never wanting to conform to stereotypes and restrictions and one of my biggest loves has always been and always will be the water and the ocean. For as long as i can remember, I have wanted to be in the sea, on the sea, under the sea, surrounded by the sea, live by the sea .... you get the gist!

I have engaged in as many activities as possible that ticks those boxes. Diving, waterskiing, windsurfing, stand up paddle boarding and my favourite of all - surfing. These have all been stolen from me for the time being. I moved to Brighton back in 2011 for this very reason and finally found the place I live now, which looks out to the sea and is less than 100 metres from front door to pebbles. Up until June, this was my utopia.



  

I couldn't have asked for more. I planned a summer of swimming, surfing and SUP. This has been reduced to a summer of watching others do the same and feeling beyond envious. It feels a bit like it has all been put there as a massive wind up!!

 

Luckily my little bundle of fluff has come to the rescue. My very own beach pup honey. She forces me to leave the safety and comfort of my sofa three or four times a day - and where do we go? The beach of course. I walk along as close to the surf as possible, breathing in the sea air, tasting the salt as I inhale. 

When the tide is out, I kick my flip flops off and feel the feel the soft sand between my toes. The best time of the day is first thing in the morning, when no one is around and i watch my crazy puppy charging around after the gulls and taking in the same sights, sounds and smells that I do. She is a true surf pup.

So for the time being, all I can do hope this all goes away as quickly as possible and carry on dreaming of the day I can grab my board and my wetsuit once again and be reunited with the love of my life!

 

 

Reach For The Stars

So I took a sabbatical from my blog! Truth is, I have found the last ten days the hardest of all. I'm not sure why. Perhaps the realisation has started to set in. Perhaps its because I move further away from my "toxic friends" (the ones I discussed in a previous blog) or perhaps the second round of chemo has hit me harder than the first. Who knows, and I guess the reason is as irrelevant as the solution is crucial.

With so many crazy and jumbled thoughts going through my head, I couldn't extract the creativity for love or money. Maybe it was a touch of writers block? As with all things creative - painting, drawing, writing, baking, sewing, writing music ..... the key factor is "inspiration". And last night I found the inspiration in the most magical way possible. 

Anyone who knows me, will know I am a girl of extremes - and this spills out in to everything I do. This extends to the weather and my particular obsession with storms. I LOVE THEM! They are exciting, beautiful, unpredictable and dramatic. Last year I was lucky enough to witness one of the most stunning storms I had ever scene - right on my doorstep here in Hove. I even miraculously captured some incredible picture (see below).  However, the storms have been some what lacking this year, disappointingly so. 

I'm also fascinated by the skies .... the sun, moon and stars and how they all influence every aspect of nature. We are massively disadvantaged here in the South of England. Light pollution is a massive problem and we rarely get the chance to see more than a sprinkling of the stars that are in our galaxy. And with the climate we live in, more often than not, cloud masks everything else.

Last night however was one of those nights that everything came together in perfect harmony. The impending doom of a mega storm has been felt the last couple of days. The static in the air almost making the hairs on your arms stand up. Now add in to the mix "The Perseid Meteor shower". Made of tiny space debris from the comet Swift-Tuttle, the Perseids are named after the constellation Perseus.  

Despite promises from the weather men of blankets of cloud, come 10.00 pm the skies were bright. So I headed out to the beach and lay there in the fresh sea air, staring up at the skies, with the waves crashing on the shore and the ominous darkness of the storm encroaching from the south - lit up frequently by sheet lightening on the horizon. 

As I lay there contemplating life, I witnessed the most incredible shooting star. It illuminated the sky briefly -  but in that brief moment I felt that nature shared one of its most intimate secrets with me.  And yes ... I 100% made a wish upon a star. But that is between me and nature as we exchanged a mutual respect that goes beyond any imagination.And as I sit here writing my latest entry, with the skies darkening in anticipation of the next tempest, I feel invigorated again. Clarity for me is still illusive - however, I don't feel it is a million miles away any more and for now, I will just keep writing, because that is the next best thing! 

Lucky photo number 1!

Lucky photo number 2!

Professional photo of the same storm in July 2014.

Penny Drop Moment

Something is happening at the moment, which hasn't happened for a very very long time. I am having to confront things I don't want to - Face My Demons if you like. And I do not like it ... ONE BIT.

I have always been very spontaneous, very headstrong - and very bloody minded when I want to be. But I do believe I have fundamentally very good values and an appreciation for people and feelings. Too much sometimes. And I live my life by these values.

I'm definitely no victim, and I don't ever seek sympathy. But the fact remains the same, that many aspects of my life have been "challenging". Even harrowing in places. But up until a penny drop moment I have had today - I thought I had learnt from these experiences and dealt with them - enabling me to be a better person.

In fact what I have now realised is that at best, I have brushed over them, At worst I have completely swept them under the proverbial carpet - never to be seen again. And I had devised a number of coping mechanisms to help me do that - dating back to my early teens. They are genius solutions and can be used individually - or all at the same time ........

• Smoking
• Drinking
• "Other" recreational diversions
• All night benders
• All weekend benders
• The occasional week bender
• Intense work regime
• Move county/country/continent  (a little extreme you may think, but it has served me well!)

Let's evaluate the options  - THESE ARE NO LONGER MY OPTIONS!!! So this has now left me with a void. A huge gaping abyss full of a lifetimes worth of buried shite. The solutions are simple. Number One .....Deal with everything head on. But that's a harsh one to do right now, on top of trying to get my brain around the illness. 

But every day I get more clarity, everyday I move further from my old life and everyday I get closer to my new life. I can't help but grieve for the things that I have lost. They have been a constant companion to me for 25 years of my life. It genuinely feels like I have lost a bunch of friends. Its not going to be easy breaking a quarter of a centuries worth of hard wired thinking. 

But I gotta take the positive out of this. If this cancer had not occurred - I might still have been doing the same things in ten years time. I wouldn't have dreamed of a life beyond my list of toxic companions. But now I have the opportunity to do things differently and I am gonna grab that opportunity with both hands and never let go and never look back. 

And in the meantime, while I deal with what I need to physically and mentally - I will carry on with solution number two .... JIGSAWS. Oh boy, that's rock and roll for you!

The Kindness of Folk

Having a bit of an emotional day today. Might be the drugs. Might be the tiredness. Might be the realisation.

That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is - in my humble opinion a load of old bollox. Diversely the sticks and stones and punches and pain, I can get over. Its made me a strong person. All those idiots that think aggression and physical intimidation is the way to gain love and respect - poor misguided fools. But its the words that hurt me when I was a kid. Its words have hurt me as an adult. You see the thing is they stick. In your head your head for a long time.

But equally the same rule applies when the words are nice. They are healing, soothing and can fill a person full of positivity and enough light to chase away dark clouds and thoughts

And boy of boy, do I have some lovely people around me. Mostly friends old and new - and then there are the hidden ninja's that pop up and take me completely by surprise. So i don't forget any of the niceness in the white noise of social media, I thought I would log all the positivity to refer back to when I have a day like this :)

"Remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and more loved than you will ever know!!" Beck G

"So today has finally arrived. First day of chemo for Hannah Louise Garber. Wishing my beautiful daughter all the love in the world. Onwards and upwards." My beautiful Mummy

"So its been talked about, ignored, analysed , fretted over and pretty much everything else in between but today is the day that it all starts to get fixed. The unknown is always a scary prospect but it is a well-trodden path, they know what they are doing and it will all be good at the end. Looking forward to getting my number 2 back to the point where the first thing you will point out is that I am the number 2!!! Good luck and the very best of wishes for today and the rest of the journey. xx" Chris H

"My big brave H! We're with you all the way Hun xx" Mark B

"I had no idea Han, tonnes of luck lovely lady - be strong and fight only the way you can! PS absolutely loving the new hairstyle, totally rocking the look xxxxx" Jen R

"Hi Hannah .... This really sucks but if youare as strong willed as you were as a kid u will def kick its arse ... Sending you a thousand trillion positive thoughts and love my oldest friend xx" Suzanna P

"You got this! Sending you lots of healing energy and light." Thomas D

"Love you lots thinking of you today x x x x x x" Gracie Lou

"Hannah Louise Garber you know what this means xxx Thinking about you today, loving you always, big hugs baby xxx" Georgia M

"Stay strong gorgeous lady. This too will pass xxxx big hugs and kisses xxx" Michelle M

"Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong. Xxx" Richard W

And Luke Cooper - I may not know you, but your random message tonight made me smile ALOT. Thank you. It's a vipers nest out there and people like you make all the hard work mean something x

Cup Of Tea And A Biscuit Dear?

Well ok .. It wasn't quite like that, but it was totally bloody surreal. I arrived early at The Royal Sussex Cancer Unit in sunny Brighton this morning - off the back of a bad nights sleep and a good long dog walk down the beach to clear my head. Everything felt like it was in slow motion - Like I was wading through a bog. Every step forward felt laboured and sticky, as I wished the "terrors" would quite frankly f*ck right off. 

Sitting in the comfy chairs, listening to the lovely nurse Anna running through what I could expect from chemo, the side affects, the duration, the numbers to call, having the canula inserted, more blood tests, another ECG and then finally the commencement of the meds - it finally ceased being someone else and became me.

My dear friend who has metaphorically and literally held my hand since the beginning of this strange, unexpected journey was there for the duration. It's not been easy accepting help. I've never wanted or asked for help. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm Hannah Garber - truth be known, it's been nice having that support. Knowing someone else other than me, has my back. 

So now I know what to expect, I'm totally ready for the fight. As one of my old friends said to me today in a message ... "Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong"! ... And that's what I plan on doing. I've said it before and I say it again #FuckYouCancer