Normans back - this time he means business!

I'm big on anniversaries, which is why I like the "On This Day" app. It’s so easy to forget things we have done and people we have seen, mainly due to busy and frenetic lives. Today marks an anniversary I would rather forget. A year ago today I found lumps in my neck - which ultimately turned out to be cancer. 

It marked the start of a tough 12 months for me and my closest. I underwent three months of chemo and a month of radiotherapy. I lost one my oldest friends to cancer in November, lost my beloved stepdad Roland to cancer only 6 weeks ago and received the news last week that I have relapsed and my cancer is back, less than two months after receiving the all clear. 
This time round, they are getting the big guns out. Intensive chemotherapy for the next three months here in Brighton, followed by a four to five week stay in The Royal Marsden in Sutton. Here I will be put in an isolation room, my stem cells will be harvested, cleaned and frozen, they will administer chemotherapy so strong that it strips me of every last bit of bone marrow in body - together with my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows and body hair - if I still have any left after the initial bout of chemo! The room I am in will have filtered air and I will have limited contact with the outside World, as the smallest germ will have the potential of killing me as I wont be able to fight infection. I will have side affects – some they will tell me about, some they wont. They will give me drugs to counter the side affects and then more drugs to counter the side affects of the drugs that they give me for my side affects. 

The next 10 – 12 months are going to push me physically and mentally, with another year after that recovering from the trauma my body has been through. One thing any cancer sufferer will tell you is that you live your life on a knife edge, feeling like your neck is on the block, waiting for the guillotine to drop. Granted – I didn’t expect it to drop again quite as quickly as this. 

Only a handful of people knew what I was going through last year, and I took such a lot of strength and positivity from their support. This time round, its out in the open and I have already been overwhelmed by the messages of encouragement I have received. But more than that, it’s the support and love that has been shown to my family, who will be on the front line – as they were last time. 

Last year I had every intention to blog regularly, for my own sanity. The reality was that very early on in to my treatment I lost my motivation and my ability to string a sentence together, thanks to the dreaded chemo. Since January, which is when my last blog post was it has been sheer fatigue - well that and as it has now transpired cancer.  This time health permitting I will persevere, because its a great outlet. 


Oh and one more thing. I am so sick of “that word” – I’ve re-named it Norman!
So that’s me, laying it bear. Warts and all! But for now, I'm feeling upbeat, the summers here, I’m off on holiday next week with two of my favourite people and the Prosecco is flowing! 

‪#‎StandUpToNorman‬ ‪#‎LifesForLiving‬

The Kindness of Folk

Having a bit of an emotional day today. Might be the drugs. Might be the tiredness. Might be the realisation.

That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is - in my humble opinion a load of old bollox. Diversely the sticks and stones and punches and pain, I can get over. Its made me a strong person. All those idiots that think aggression and physical intimidation is the way to gain love and respect - poor misguided fools. But its the words that hurt me when I was a kid. Its words have hurt me as an adult. You see the thing is they stick. In your head your head for a long time.

But equally the same rule applies when the words are nice. They are healing, soothing and can fill a person full of positivity and enough light to chase away dark clouds and thoughts

And boy of boy, do I have some lovely people around me. Mostly friends old and new - and then there are the hidden ninja's that pop up and take me completely by surprise. So i don't forget any of the niceness in the white noise of social media, I thought I would log all the positivity to refer back to when I have a day like this :)

"Remember that you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and more loved than you will ever know!!" Beck G

"So today has finally arrived. First day of chemo for Hannah Louise Garber. Wishing my beautiful daughter all the love in the world. Onwards and upwards." My beautiful Mummy

"So its been talked about, ignored, analysed , fretted over and pretty much everything else in between but today is the day that it all starts to get fixed. The unknown is always a scary prospect but it is a well-trodden path, they know what they are doing and it will all be good at the end. Looking forward to getting my number 2 back to the point where the first thing you will point out is that I am the number 2!!! Good luck and the very best of wishes for today and the rest of the journey. xx" Chris H

"My big brave H! We're with you all the way Hun xx" Mark B

"I had no idea Han, tonnes of luck lovely lady - be strong and fight only the way you can! PS absolutely loving the new hairstyle, totally rocking the look xxxxx" Jen R

"Hi Hannah .... This really sucks but if youare as strong willed as you were as a kid u will def kick its arse ... Sending you a thousand trillion positive thoughts and love my oldest friend xx" Suzanna P

"You got this! Sending you lots of healing energy and light." Thomas D

"Love you lots thinking of you today x x x x x x" Gracie Lou

"Hannah Louise Garber you know what this means xxx Thinking about you today, loving you always, big hugs baby xxx" Georgia M

"Stay strong gorgeous lady. This too will pass xxxx big hugs and kisses xxx" Michelle M

"Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong. Xxx" Richard W

And Luke Cooper - I may not know you, but your random message tonight made me smile ALOT. Thank you. It's a vipers nest out there and people like you make all the hard work mean something x

Cup Of Tea And A Biscuit Dear?

Well ok .. It wasn't quite like that, but it was totally bloody surreal. I arrived early at The Royal Sussex Cancer Unit in sunny Brighton this morning - off the back of a bad nights sleep and a good long dog walk down the beach to clear my head. Everything felt like it was in slow motion - Like I was wading through a bog. Every step forward felt laboured and sticky, as I wished the "terrors" would quite frankly f*ck right off. 

Sitting in the comfy chairs, listening to the lovely nurse Anna running through what I could expect from chemo, the side affects, the duration, the numbers to call, having the canula inserted, more blood tests, another ECG and then finally the commencement of the meds - it finally ceased being someone else and became me.

My dear friend who has metaphorically and literally held my hand since the beginning of this strange, unexpected journey was there for the duration. It's not been easy accepting help. I've never wanted or asked for help. I'm independent. I'm strong. I'm Hannah Garber - truth be known, it's been nice having that support. Knowing someone else other than me, has my back. 

So now I know what to expect, I'm totally ready for the fight. As one of my old friends said to me today in a message ... "Kin hell. Well I pity cancer messing with you! Stay strong"! ... And that's what I plan on doing. I've said it before and I say it again #FuckYouCancer