Thursday, July 30, 2015

Penny Drop Moment

Something is happening at the moment, which hasn't happened for a very very long time. I am having to confront things I don't want to - Face My Demons if you like. And I do not like it ... ONE BIT.

I have always been very spontaneous, very headstrong - and very bloody minded when I want to be. But I do believe I have fundamentally very good values and an appreciation for people and feelings. Too much sometimes. And I live my life by these values.

I'm definitely no victim, and I don't ever seek sympathy. But the fact remains the same, that many aspects of my life have been "challenging". Even harrowing in places. But up until a penny drop moment I have had today - I thought I had learnt from these experiences and dealt with them - enabling me to be a better person.

In fact what I have now realised is that at best, I have brushed over them, At worst I have completely swept them under the proverbial carpet - never to be seen again. And I had devised a number of coping mechanisms to help me do that - dating back to my early teens. They are genius solutions and can be used individually - or all at the same time ........

  • Smoking
  • Drinking
  • "Other" recreational diversions
  • All night benders
  • All weekend benders
  • The occasional week bender
  • Intense work regime
  • Move county/country/continent  (a little extreme you may think, but it has served me well!)
Let's evaluate the options  - THESE ARE NO LONGER MY OPTIONS!!! So this has now left me with a void. A huge gaping abyss full of a lifetimes worth of buried shite. The solutions are simple. Number One .....Deal with everything head on. But that's a harsh one to do right now, on top of trying to get my brain around the illness. 

But every day I get more clarity, everyday I move further from my old life and everyday I get closer to my new life. I can't help but grieve for the things that I have lost. They have been a constant companion to me for 25 years of my life. It genuinely feels like I have lost a bunch of friends. Its not going to be easy breaking a quarter of a centuries worth of hard wired thinking. 

But I gotta take the positive out of this. If this cancer had not occurred - I might still have been doing the same things in ten years time. I wouldn't have dreamed of a life beyond my list of toxic companions. But now I have the opportunity to do things differently and I am gonna grab that opportunity with both hands and never let go and never look back. 

And in the meantime, while I deal with what I need to physically and mentally - I will carry on with solution number two .... JIGSAWS. Oh boy, that's rock and roll for you!

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